..vulnerable..

sesak..
sedey..
ye, ak sgt vulnerable..

pnh dgr soalan ni x?
"av u ever cried in shower?"

ak tmenung kt toilet..
dudk bwh shower n let d water falls on me..
n cried, hard..
n hope dat i wud wash away d pain, d sorrow, d loneliness, d sadness..
n i cried hard..
cuz m a fool..
cuz i tot m prepared..
cuz lyk i said, i tot i was strong..
bt m deym wrong..

ini entry pjg..
kalu ade rasa akn mengutuk ak, dun read..
juz leave..

under d shower, it made me think..
y i tot i was strong, bt yet m very vulnerable..
cuz things keep flashing back in my mind..

when i lived in sabah, i had a family prob..
mama n papa argued a lot..
ak slalu ponteng skola cuz they were arguing all nite..
witnessed wut mama did to make papa say sumtg dat definitely will change our life..
kne tgl sensorg kt kdai mkn cuz mama wanna go back to semenanjung without papa chasing after her..
i was only 11 yrs old..
when i understand wut's going on ard me bt yet cant do anything..
n i tot it make me strong enuf to face anything afterwards..

y i dislike my brother?
bcuz he knew sumtg happened..
mama was angry at him very much...
sampai pnah mama lari cuz nmpk b.cik kt umah k.ida, sbb dia marah sgt kt b.cik time tu..
bt now?
everytg yg b.cik buat, seme nmpk elok kt mata mama..
yeah, he's d only son..
he's perfect..
sdgkn ak yg rasa susah masa ngn mama ms kt sabah..
d one yg kene tgl kt kdai mkn, kt airport..mama slalu mrh..
sng kata, m nvr gud enuf..
sbb tu ak slalu rasa mama n papa x fair..
until now..
ape2 yg involve b.cik..
which owez made me cry..
salah 1 sbb nape ak mls blk umah..

pengalaman ak kt sabah tu wat ak x caya kt laki..
mb in time i can forgive bt i can nvr forget i've been hurt so bad..

bt yet, ak jupe few men in my life..
i learned to love..
i've been thru breakups..

ak pnh bkawan n bcinta btahun2 dgn seorg lelaki..
tp putus gk..

in relationship x sampai stahun dgn another..
sbb de kate ak gatal (wafferfak..pdhl dia lg cam sial)..

suka kn suami org..
oke, makilah, cacilah, kutuklah ak sbb perasaan tu..
ak xmintak n ak da cuba sedaya upaya utk tdk fall...

mcm2 ak da lalui..
each time ak rasa ak kuat utk face it..
tp each time gk laa....ak FAIL..

mcm yg ak alami skrg..
i've been preparing myself since d day i realized dat m in love wit him...
sbb he will walk away sumhow..
like i said, i tot i was strong..
bt m deym wrong..

under d shower i was thinking..
is my whole life need to b dis way..
keep pushing me to feel d pain..
to make me feel strong everytime sumtg goes in mylife..
bt yet leave me vulnerable...

ye, sbenarnye pengalaman ak bknnya buat ak kuat..

tp wat ak vulnerable..

sbb ak sentiasa perlukn org bg kasih sayang..
n setiap kali ak rasa dsayangi..
ak akn clinging pd org tu..
sbb ak rasa dsayangi.

lil D pn pnh ckp yg ak dependent..
sebenarnya ak bkn dependent.
tp ak maw rasa kasih sayang tu..
smtg dat i actualy xdpt slama ne..

n i failed..

again..