..vulnerable..

sesak..
sedey..
ye, ak sgt vulnerable..

pnh dgr soalan ni x?
"av u ever cried in shower?"

ak tmenung kt toilet..
dudk bwh shower n let d water falls on me..
n cried, hard..
n hope dat i wud wash away d pain, d sorrow, d loneliness, d sadness..
n i cried hard..
cuz m a fool..
cuz i tot m prepared..
cuz lyk i said, i tot i was strong..
bt m deym wrong..

ini entry pjg..
kalu ade rasa akn mengutuk ak, dun read..
juz leave..

under d shower, it made me think..
y i tot i was strong, bt yet m very vulnerable..
cuz things keep flashing back in my mind..

when i lived in sabah, i had a family prob..
mama n papa argued a lot..
ak slalu ponteng skola cuz they were arguing all nite..
witnessed wut mama did to make papa say sumtg dat definitely will change our life..
kne tgl sensorg kt kdai mkn cuz mama wanna go back to semenanjung without papa chasing after her..
i was only 11 yrs old..
when i understand wut's going on ard me bt yet cant do anything..
n i tot it make me strong enuf to face anything afterwards..

y i dislike my brother?
bcuz he knew sumtg happened..
mama was angry at him very much...
sampai pnah mama lari cuz nmpk b.cik kt umah k.ida, sbb dia marah sgt kt b.cik time tu..
bt now?
everytg yg b.cik buat, seme nmpk elok kt mata mama..
yeah, he's d only son..
he's perfect..
sdgkn ak yg rasa susah masa ngn mama ms kt sabah..
d one yg kene tgl kt kdai mkn, kt airport..mama slalu mrh..
sng kata, m nvr gud enuf..
sbb tu ak slalu rasa mama n papa x fair..
until now..
ape2 yg involve b.cik..
which owez made me cry..
salah 1 sbb nape ak mls blk umah..

pengalaman ak kt sabah tu wat ak x caya kt laki..
mb in time i can forgive bt i can nvr forget i've been hurt so bad..

bt yet, ak jupe few men in my life..
i learned to love..
i've been thru breakups..

ak pnh bkawan n bcinta btahun2 dgn seorg lelaki..
tp putus gk..

in relationship x sampai stahun dgn another..
sbb de kate ak gatal (wafferfak..pdhl dia lg cam sial)..

suka kn suami org..
oke, makilah, cacilah, kutuklah ak sbb perasaan tu..
ak xmintak n ak da cuba sedaya upaya utk tdk fall...

mcm2 ak da lalui..
each time ak rasa ak kuat utk face it..
tp each time gk laa....ak FAIL..

mcm yg ak alami skrg..
i've been preparing myself since d day i realized dat m in love wit him...
sbb he will walk away sumhow..
like i said, i tot i was strong..
bt m deym wrong..

under d shower i was thinking..
is my whole life need to b dis way..
keep pushing me to feel d pain..
to make me feel strong everytime sumtg goes in mylife..
bt yet leave me vulnerable...

ye, sbenarnye pengalaman ak bknnya buat ak kuat..

tp wat ak vulnerable..

sbb ak sentiasa perlukn org bg kasih sayang..
n setiap kali ak rasa dsayangi..
ak akn clinging pd org tu..
sbb ak rasa dsayangi.

lil D pn pnh ckp yg ak dependent..
sebenarnya ak bkn dependent.
tp ak maw rasa kasih sayang tu..
smtg dat i actualy xdpt slama ne..

n i failed..

again..

..hush, keep quiet, hear me say..

wut do u c? can u c n feel wut's in my heart?

sgt rindu..
maaf..
suda cuba..
tp sgt rindu...

kesakitan..



sy cuba begembira....


tp...


sy ske lihat kamo pkai baju itu..sy rindu..

please stay

..demi waktu..

hmmm....
xtau nk ckp pe..

rs pnat sgt skng ne..
seb bek xda clas pg ne..
da 2 ari badan rasa lemah smcm...


badan rasa lemah sbb ati ak lemah ke?

mgkin..

ak igt when i cried hard dat evening i wont b crying anymore in front him..
n i tot wrong...

i tot, ak kuat nk hadap..
n i tot wrong...

ouh~
ak xle dok sorg² or diam..
nnt ak t'pk then ak nanges..
i am soo weak..

yes..i am weak..

evndo ak nk spend time happily ngn de which ak sgt epy he's with me..
bt how can i b epy when he's not smiling, look miserable?
i cant b epy if he's not..
i only smile when he laugh evndo it hurts me..

tp..it's gud to noe dat de sayang ak..
evn it's too late..

i'll go sbb ak xnk, xske tgk de sedey..
sakit ak nk pergi, sakit lagi looking at him all miserable..

n ak sedey..
i cried hard..n i dunno how to stop..
silly me..

It's not a bird, not a plane
It's my heart and it's going, gone away
My only weakness is you
Only reason is you
Every minute with you
I can feel like I can do anything
I'm Going going, gone away love

hmm cyg...
org xle lupe ms kte karaoke mlm tue..
i cnt forget d way u looked at me when u sing dat song..
i cant bear it to c u dat way..
m sorry... :'(

Aku yang tak pernah bisa lupakan dirinya
Yang kini hadir diantara kita
Namun ku juga takkan bisa menepis bayangmu
Yang slama ini temani hidupku

Maafkan aku menduakan cintamu
Berat rasa hatiku tinggalkan dirinya
Dan demi waktu yang bergulir di sampingmu
Maafkanlah diriku sepenuh hatimu
Seandainya bila ku bisa memilih

Kalau saja waktu itu ku tak jumpa dirinya
Mungkin semua tak kan seperti ini
Dirimu dan dirinya kini ada di hatiku
Membawa aku dalam kehancuran

..i still not too over you..

i tot i was strong..

bt i broke down..
n cried...
hard...

it's d end..
thnx 4 d wonderful year n 1 week..


d end..

..selamat tinggal kekasih gelapku, semoga cepat kau lupakan aku..

hmmm
mgkin skrg perasaan ak suda mati kot..

ble suda janji, kamo rasa patut ke tidak utk mungkiri..
sdgkn tiada alasan utk memungkiri..

sudahnya, ak juga yg dpersalahkn..
tidak faham bahasa..tidak memahami..

ku pk, suda settle..
ak suda ckp ape yg ku maw..
ku suda minta kepastian dr de..
ku pk, ku tiada alasan utk bsedey ag..

ak pk, 3 ari yg blalu ne suda m'epy kn ak..
ak pn tiada byk soal (kot??) jika de x msg..
jika de x reply msg ak..
jika de kata maw tdo krn pnat..
ak rasa ak ok aja ngn seme itu..

tp ak sedey ak dpt tau de tpu sdgkn tiada alasan utk dia tpu..
lebey sedey ag ble de kate "so what??"
de tnye ape yg ak nk wat...

hmmm ak x ske pk yg ak ada kuasa m'ugut..
tp ak ada sdikit kemampuan jika maw buat..
tp ak xmo, sbb ak syg..
sbb ak msh hormat..

tp, ak suda dengar ape yg de maw..
akhirnya..secara jujurnya..

cuma...cuma ak maw dgr scr live
biar msk telinga, nmpk d mata terus msk ke ati..
supaya ak bole bsedey, tanpa mganggu de...

hmmmm ak pnat..
mgkin juga perasaan ak da mati..
mgkin ak juga da mati kot..
mgkin..
ya, mungkin...

selamat pagi cinta..
dan selamat malam..


teringat pula pada lgu sephia from so7..
ade sdikit cm ak..
kekasih gelap yg dsuruh melupakan..

ya..btul..

Hey,Sephia
Malam ini ku takkan datang
Mencoba 'tuk berpaling sayang
Dari cintamu
Hey,Sephia
Malam ini ku takkan pulang
Tak usah kau mencari aku,demi cintamu

Hadapilah ini
Kisah kita takkan abadi

S'lamat tidur kekasih gelap ku
S'moga cepat kau lupakan aku
Kekasih sejatimu takkan pernah sanggup untuk melupakanmu

S'lamat tidur kasih tak terungkap
S'moga kau lupakan aku cepat
Kekasih sejatimu takkan pernah sanggup untuk meninggalkanmu

Hey,Sephia
Jangan pernah panggil namaku
Bila kita bertemu lagi
Dilain hari
Hadapilah ini
Kisah kita takkan abadi

sebijik kn..hahha selamat melupakan ya

..hari yg ditempuhi, hari bsama kamu..

nthla..terasa spt tiada ati maw apdet..spt mcm² benda maw cite yet mcm xda ape je..
da 3 mgu kot clas start..tiap² ari g class..
pack gle class sem ne..ak tgk clas hns n nina mcm relax je..aish...

psm pn x jln ag..abg macho pn belum ku jupe..
mengelak ada ar hehe ;p
mgu dpn pn ade 4 keje nk kene submit..
mati den..camno ne..

hmmm mb ade stengah org tau ak bek ngn dak laki dlm class ak..
tp itu x bmakna ak xske kawan ngn dak pompuan or ak seorg yg gwdx utk melepak bsama dak laki ye...
cuma ak lg selesa ngn dak² laki tue dr ngn dak² pompuan yg talam dua muka..aite =) hehe
ade je dak pompuan yg ok ngn ak..g class ngn ak..
tp xda la ak nk klasifikasikn mereka as my "gang" kn.. juz mereka yg ak appreciate sbb amek tau psl ak..
sbelum ne, mane ade dak girls pedulik ak dpt nota or any info ke x..bt dis few ppl, mereka sgt baik thadap ak sbb mrk amek tau seme tue..
so it's still not too late to b close to them evn in final yr pn kn?
kwn x semestinya kt cni je..if seme org maw, ur friendship will last forever..rite??

ne la sebahagian dak laki clas daku..ne xtvt ms break atau pn ms tukau class..ak ske fac ak sbb fac ktorg ada kaki lima yg besh..bole meeting jarak jauh ag..fac len mane ade..hahaha

arine da msuk 3 ari da ak dok trun training volley...rasa nk mengelat tu mmg amat tinggi..
tp nnt cik kak melur tu bsg...de cukup bising kalu ak x trun training..pdhl setter ade je c dayah..spiker blambak²..huhu mgkn sbb ak je nmpk smgt kot..muahahaha
tp xpe, skrg ak da ade org yg ak leh heret g training...of course la c dba sengal tue..muahahahaha

hmmm tp ku musykil la..turun 3 ari tu, 3 aritu jgk tangan ku lebam²...belah kanan je lak tue..
slalu x jd mcm ne pn..mb 1st day aritu normal la sbb da stahun lebey kot ak x men volley..
tp yg ari senin ngn arine lebam ag tangan..lebam tempat same lak tue..huhuhu

ye mmg xnmpk sgt lebam tue...tp peduli pe..nk tunjuk gk..hehe

arine trun training ngn staff..sakit perut ak dok gelak kalu men ngn staff..ade je lawak dorg nk wat..
td ak ciap accident ngn dba dlm court..sbb ak nk set bola kt de, tp bola tu nek tinggi je...kononnye nk mengelak dr dba, last² blaga gk..huhu tgolek kami d ctu..c dba da tsembam kt court..ak lk tgolek d ctu..bumped my head tp sempat mengelak ar dr pinggang d pijak oleh dba.. de sempat pijak paha ak je..tu pn seb bek x kuat de pijak..

haa nmpk je volley cam men lembut² je..tp dok jd camne, da t'over ganas...kalu stakat slide ats court kasar tu adalah pkara biasa...huhuhu

hmmm ape ag ar nk cte..

nk kinder egg..nk kinder egg..nk kinder egg..(da ckup 3 kali)

..secret valentine..

mm weekend baru² ini seronok..

tuka hair style baru..

da ckp ngn sum1..n dear, u prmised wont do it again kn..plz dont, eyh..
da byk kali owg ckp, kalu ade pape tell me straight to my face..
jgn wt org cmtu da..plz..

da lama x mkn kinder egg...
sbb dlu ade org slalu beli..

nk spend time ngn d devilz..
aritu kurang sorg...

..utang² tag..

tag 1st dr shepa n ada

1. Do you think you are HOT?
-- x

2. Upload your fav pic

3. Why do you like this picture?
-- xdala ske pn..saje bosan

4. When was the last time u ate pizza?
-- da lama da..

5. The last song u listen to?
-- lovebug kot..tah dlm kete td

6. What are you doing right now besides this?
-- xda wtpe

7. What name u prefer besides yours?
-- none

8. People I tag:-

• kasridona
• glittersara
• teah
• suhaili
  

9. Who is No.1?
-- don

10. No.3 is having a relationship with?
-- shakhir sukri

11. Say something about No.2
-- knal dlm blog tp leh lepak lama²

12. How about No.4?
-- budak skola zmn dolu2

tag kedua pn dr shepa

7 CIRI-CIRI LELAKI IDAMAN ANDA

• mature
• better than me
• fun to be with
• owez wanna make me smile
• sum1 i can rely on
• melayu
• haruslah tinggi dr ku
  

7 CIRI-CIRI LELAKI YANG ANDA TAK SUKA

• blagak hebat
• cant accept me seadanya
• gelojoh
• owez try to find my fault
• xda inisiatif utk memajukn diri
• x btanggung jawab
• xnk berubah diri utk mjadi lebey baik
  

7 ORANG YANG ANDA PERNAH MINATI SEPANJANG HIDUP

• dak 1 van skolah masa tadika dlu kt pc..tadika st martin..hahahha
• sesorg yg sudah bkawen time cuti aritu
• lil D..hahahahah
• nthla...tatau la..xle igt smpai 7
  

7 PERASAAN SEKIRANYA KELUAR DENGAN ORANG YANG ANDA MINATI

• epy
• excited
• bjanji ngn diri sendri jgn mbangkitkn isu² yg leh mdatgkn mrh
• bsiap selekeh yg mgkn..haha
• malu ke? bole laa
• nth
• nth
  

7 TEMPAT ISTIMEWA YANG INGIN DILAWATI BERSAMA PASANGAN

• venice
• jom panjat gunung kinabalu..haha
• sipadan..besh..da lama x g
• uk..sambil melawat akak ku
• pantai2 mane yg besh..
• nk g air terjun......-sbb ade org tu kate nk g aritu..
• mane ag eyh..hmmmm anywhere wud b d greatest place whenever m wit u..hahah
  

7 BARANG ISTIMEWA YANG AKAN DIHADIAHKAN KEPADA PASANGAN

• ck eternity - kalu kamo dpt maknanya kamo org yg istimewa taw
• nthlaa...bt i'll try to give sumtg dat person tu ske...xksah la bju ke ape ke..tp nk kasi sports rim mcm c shepa tu x mampu kot..hahah
  

7 TAJUK LAGU YANG AKAN ANDA NYANYIKAN UNTUK PASANGAN

• tercipta untukku
• always
• everything i do (i do it for u)
• yg len pk sendri ar..tatau
  

7 RAKAN YANG ANDA AKAN TAG

1. teah
2. kasridona
3. fendy
4. suhaili
5. eman
6. glittersara
7. ell from femmefabulousity

sekian..

..10 januAry 2008 - 10 JanuarY 2009..

It's been the longest winter without you,
I didn't know where to turn to.
See, somehow I can't forget you,
After all that we've been through.
Going, coming... thought I heard a knock
Who's there? No one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know,

If you didn't notice, boy, you mean everything.
Quickly I'm learning to love again,
All I know is I'm gon' be okay

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, ooh yeah
(It'll all get better in time)
And even though I really love you,
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV,
Without something there that would remind me
It wasn't all that easy
To just put aside your feelings.

If I'm dreaming, don't wanna lie,
Hurt my feelings
But that's the path I believe in,
And I know that time will heal it I

f you didn't notice, well
You mean everything.
Quickly I'm learning to love again,
All I know is I'm gon' be okay

Since there's no more you and me (no more you and me)
It's time I let you go so I can be free
And live my life how it should be.
No matter how hard it is,
I'll be fine without you,
Yes I will.

sok setahun a knal d devilz..
byk yg ak blaja, receiced n gave dis whole year..
thnx to u guyz...
ainina, hafizi n lil D..

guess last nite was d perfect end, aite?

m gonna mish u guys..badly..
m gonna owez remember u guyz..owez..
m gonna owez replay our kenangan terindah..over n over again..
cuz u're d besh kenangan terindah i've ever had..

ainina...
thnx babe 4 being there for me..thru d ups and downs..u're such a superb gud fwen..no words can describe anything dat we've been thru..

hafizi..
thnx sbb sudi lepak ngn ak..layan kpale gile ak..ske gado² ngn ak..kalu ko xda sape nk btekak ngn ak kn..kn?? huhu thnx..mcm ko kate dulu..aku pn akn igt kenangan kita berempat sampai bila²..seyes ak xkn lupakan..ko pn kwn yg baik, evn ko x pandai tipu pn..hahahaha

lil D..
cyg..thnx sbb layan org dgn sgt baik spanjang setahun kita knal..halalkn ape yg org terima, amek n share ngn awk..minta maaf gk ats seme salah silap org.u taught me so many things in dis 1 yr of knowing u..start dr kte lepak kt neway mlm tu ngn abg long smpai la skrg..org akn slalu igt awk n doakn kebahagiaan awk..congratz again dear..org janji org wont bother u anymo lps org dpt jupe awk..thnx cyg bg org epy, bahagia spjg kte knal..thnx sbb bg org pgl awk syg,cyg,mokmok la ape la..it means a lot to me..mcm awk pnah kate dlm gmba flickr org dlu..kenangan terindah, always..

10 january 1008 ~ 10 january 2009
starting from hanging out at neway...
evn til now..
no one can ever replace u..

kerana kamu so lovable buat aku..

..it's time to go..

first of all..

congratz to lil D yg bkl gonna be a dad..!!

org ngn nina epy sgt sbb ktorg bkl jd aunty =)
or mb nina je kot jd aunty sbb hmm..bt wuteva it is..
both of us r happy for u..
congratz again dear...

td g karaoke kt jetty..saje release tensen..
kami berlima..ak, nina, hns, lza n dba..
epy epy..
melalak lalak..
menyanyi nyanyi..
pastu ak nanges..
waaaaa nanges ngn teruknye lak tue..ak da spoilkn mood seme org..
dr epy² seme org cube pujuk ak (sambil menyanyi, of coz..huhu)..
sory kwn² nth nape sengalnye air mata ak tue gwdx nk mcurah²..
time tu lk dorg melalak lagu rela ku pujuk..
huhuhuhu sedey...waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa sengal..

psm? tah malas nk pk bole?
ouh td kene saman...waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

sok tiada d cni..

..bodoh utk setia..

..boDoh utK setIa..

mungkin aku memang cemburu
padanya yang tlah memenangkanmu
namun kuselalu berharap dirimu kembali padaku lagi
selalu kutunggu

seringkali engkau mendua
tetap saja ada maaf dariku
namun ku tak bisa walau hanya untuk membencimu sedikit saja
walau ku terluka

biar ku nikmati rasa cinta ini
walau bertubi kau acuhkan aku
ku masih tetap setia
biar orang bicara
kau tak layak dicinta
namun tak sanggup ku kehilanganmu
ku bodoh untuk setia

ade org kasi lagu ini..ade sket2 yg same ne weh..haha

class da start..penat tgk byk lecturer dlm sehari..da dua kali da attendance ak kt clas pm jamal 0 gara² lmbt..hehe smpai de igt ak drop..xpe xpe..pasne de x ajar da..

evn clas da blalu slama dua jam..keadaan buku ak stil spt ini..muahahaha

trening volley da nk start..

chepul swoh ready utk g course mprb kt unisel nnt..nnt byk evnt mprb nk pkai..actually wat ak tpk, cane eh..ak stil mpro ke nnt? itu pn kene tgu bln 2 ms evnt npl bru ku sedar kewujudan ak kt mpro ke x..hehe ye ar..ak sendri pn jrg join pape..igt celebrate nu yr aritu nk g gk mapaac..tp cam malas lk mlm tue..wit pn xda..hehe tp cam skrg sjk circle of trust d praktikn dlm mprb, dorg da x kesah da mprb nye ref g tourney len..tp kn..mpro x ksah ke? hmmmm cmno eyh

smlm dak² ne kuar..beli barang..hns nk wat agar² kentang kot..haha ak x amek taw..pastu dorg ade gk beli rak buku..ak pn sebok laa psg rak dorg tu..tp kn..cube tgk ainina..

maw x berejam ak tgu de ketatkn skru yg ak da psgkn..makcik btul pompuan ne..hahaha

arine ari rabu...ptg ade trening..mlm sket nk tgk psm..hahaha

sok ari khms, clas byk..adoi ade lect pm jamal 3 jam..erk..xpe mlm kte pegi beriadah..yeah

luse ari jumaat..clas smpi ptg..tp pd mlmnye ak mgkin tiada d kwsn liputan melaka ye..yeeaaahh

..run..run..

hmm rasa d ati x puas selagi x btentang 4 mata..
seyes, jiwaku perlu ketenangan..

cian lil D..eh little D..
da 2 malam de tdo dlm kete...
asek lupe nk bwk de nek..
da la gmok jr kene tgl kt sunway..
xpe eyh mok, mgu dpn ikot blk mlk eyh cyg...muahx muahx..

lookin 4wd 4 dis weekend..

ouh..deym..
srabut ak tgk jadual class ak..
plg menyeksakn ari jumaat ade class ptg..huarghhhh
da la skang de wat kuliah sejam sejam..
bcelaru ak tgk jadual tu..
pening den..

weekend ne n nxt weeknd suda ada planning..
arap² insyaAllah dedua bjalan dgn lancarnya sementara msh sdikit kaya..

td dgr lagu yg lama x dgr..hurmmmm

I don't want you, to give it all up
And leave your own life, collecting dust
And I don't want you, to feel sorry for me
You never gave us, a chance to be

And I don't need you, to be by my side
To tell me, that everything's alright
I just wanted you, to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you

So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?

Cause I did enough, to show you that I
Was willing to give, and sacrifice
And I was the one, who was lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough

And when I get close, you turn away
There's nothing that I can do or say
So now I need you, to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you

So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?

Is it me, is it you? (is it me, is it you)
Nothing that, I can do (nothing that, I can do)
To make you, change your mind (to make you)

Is it me, is it you? (so why do - you run - away)
Nothing that, I can do (won’t you tell me)
Is it a, waste of time? (why do - you run - away)

Is it me, is it you?
Nothing that, I can do
To make you, change your mind - no

So why are you running away?
Why are you running away? (what is it, I have to say)

So why are you running away? (to make you admit, you're afraid)
Why are you running away?

ble bace blk...mcm kene je..
hmm cyg, cube baca..byk org nk ckp ngn awk sbenarnye ne..tp...

..

nk potong rmbut pendek bole????

p/s: ne entry 1st utk 09? huh senget