Wednesday, July 19, 2017

love minus two

Five years ago, i have lost a sister. It was a sudden death where none of us prepared for. It was tough to deal with the losing of someone you are close to. Especially in just one night, they are gone forever. 

Last year, I lost my father. He finally succumb to his cancer after years of fighting. Aturan Allah tu cantik, after I told them that I have Fariz and we planned to get married in two years (since none of us actually thought that we are going to fall for each other and seriously getting married), he said NO! Bukanlah no, he doesn't like Fariz, it is was no for our plan to get married in two years. He wanted us to be married the soonest possible. Terkedu juga kami masa tu, mana mau cari duit maaa?! But again, aturan Allah tu cantik, Dia sebaik-baik perancang, we had our akad within a year time (my mom initial plan was for us to get married in April, lagi pengsan!). Mampu jugalah kahwin dalam masa yang singkat. Huhuhuhu

And again, aturan Allah tu cantik. Our wedding, Papa put in all his energy to ensure her last daughter got married right in front of his eyes. And after that, his health was declining very fast. End of 2015, I remember I bought a cane for him, and reasoned him off using wheelchair just yet. By February, he was already using U-walker and around March/April he had bound to wheelchair. He was uncomfortable and embarrassed to be on them. I still the last time we went to Miyagi together for our Japanese fix, he wasn't comfortable at all. By end of April, he no longer left his bed. 

I was lucky my boss is very understanding, as he let me off to work from home, to leave early or come in late. Tapi kerja tetap kerja, I have go out of towns, there were times he called to ask me to come home that second, but I can't as I was in another state. I got mad at him, for not being mad me because I can't go home there and then. But actually, I was angrier at myself as I was unable to let go of my job and be there for him. I hate myself to be in that position, I love my dad but at the same time I have responsibilities too. It was very hard and I don't blame him for it, not even for a second. 

The last time he was in the hospital, we had to sent him to emergency because he was not responding to us. Doctor asked Mama to signed a form to confirm her understanding that they won't do any resuscitation if his body decided to give up. We know at that very moment, he will be leaving us anytime. I texted Mr B saying I won't be in for the whole week, he was very understanding. And, the hospital was our second home. He did woke up after the "emergency room" moment. He was himself for the next few days, siap speaking London tau! We were happy, and scared at the same time. 

Tahu tak perasaan di mana bila orang yang kita sayang meraung kesakitan and we can't do anything to help him? Even the painkiller failed to ease his pain. It was heartbreaking to decide  to sedate him but it was unbearable to see him in pain. We celebrated Ramadhan in the hospital, his last Ramadhan. He passed away peacefully on the first Friday of Ramadhan, without us around except for Mama and my SIL. 

Sedih, although we were prepared. Tapi letting go someone you love for your whole life wasn't easy. Sedih, but it was the best for him. As much as I wanted him to still be around, I can't let him suffer for another day. He is gone, but in a better place. 

I love you Pa, with all my life. You were and still the best father, a daughter could ever have. And there wasn't a day passed by that I have not think of you, as you were the one who helped me to be who I am today (Obviously the best side of me, because the bads are from my own doings). I miss you and Kak Ida so much. 


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