Fuh Habuk Fuhhhhh

Hellooooooo...

Yesza, dah lama sangat tak blogging. Rindu? Yes! Tapi itulah, banyak masa digunakan untuk benda lain. Nak kata punyalah takda masa, sampai twitter pun jarang jenguk. Haha!

So, why am I here. Sebab rindulah! I just started another blog, for my essential oils journey/business. Kenapa tak letak sini? Sebab macam, hmmmmmm different direction. Sini tempat nak mengarut. Sana tempat serious sikit. Meh la jenguk blog tu, https://oilympians.wordpress.com/

Masih work in progress. Masih mengasah bakat menulis lama terbiar (ada bakat ke? Haha!). Sebab tu lah kembali ke sini, sebab sini freely sikit nak menulis. Kita tengoklah perjalanan dia macam mana ya?

OKaylah, masa untuk balik. Byeeee

Just keep swimming!

If you want move forward, something have to change. Alah, macam kita nak berjalan, kita kena melangkah, kena gerakkan kaki, makanya kaki kita bukan di kedudukan yang sama, dah berubah. 

That is how it should be with your life. You have to change something. Kalau tak happy dengan kerja, change your job. Tak happy dengan kesihatan, change your lifestyle. You can not be at the same place and hope that life would change for you. It doesn't work that way. 

Tapi kan, contohnya untuk kerja. You have been doing the same job for the past 10 years, tapi masih di takuk yang sama walaupun dah bertukar kerja, bertukar tempat. Then you have to reflect upon yourselves, what is wrong with you? Because at that point, you can't blame the boss, the company, since you have complained and changed the environment. There will be a time that you actualy have to reflect and blame yourself. And CHANGE! Tak kiralah lelaki or perempuan, buang ego jauh-jauh dan berubahlah. Kalau dulu malas, rajinkan diri. Kalau dulu degil, learn to listen to people and learn from them. Kita ni manusia biasa, banyak khilafnya. Tak salah dan tak rugi belajar dari orang. Tua mana kita, hebat mana kita, we are great at what we are doing, and definitely there's somebody else is damn good at what they are doing, better than you. 

Makanya macam aku sekarang, kalau dah kekal gemuk dan bermasalah hormon, pandai-pandailah cari cara nak kurus dan stabilkan hormon. Jangan salahkan makanan. Haha!

Kulijer

Sedar tak sedar, dah 8 tahun jadi seorang bekerjaya. Dari kerja senang ke tekanan sampai terlebih-lebih. Dari seorang junior executive ke M-level. Tapi sebenarnya tak kira which lebel you are, the amount of stress you're getting is the same, cuma benda yang stress tu lain. Masa exec, you just jeed to worry about your work, tapi as you progressing in your career, you have to think about others too. 

I have been the same position for three years now. The headach would be, it is either you, your boss or your colleague. Tak boleh lari. So, siapa kata jadi boss tu best, think twice. That is why they are paid with more money. 

love minus two

Five years ago, i have lost a sister. It was a sudden death where none of us prepared for. It was tough to deal with the losing of someone you are close to. Especially in just one night, they are gone forever. 

Last year, I lost my father. He finally succumb to his cancer after years of fighting. Aturan Allah tu cantik, after I told them that I have Fariz and we planned to get married in two years (since none of us actually thought that we are going to fall for each other and seriously getting married), he said NO! Bukanlah no, he doesn't like Fariz, it is was no for our plan to get married in two years. He wanted us to be married the soonest possible. Terkedu juga kami masa tu, mana mau cari duit maaa?! But again, aturan Allah tu cantik, Dia sebaik-baik perancang, we had our akad within a year time (my mom initial plan was for us to get married in April, lagi pengsan!). Mampu jugalah kahwin dalam masa yang singkat. Huhuhuhu

And again, aturan Allah tu cantik. Our wedding, Papa put in all his energy to ensure her last daughter got married right in front of his eyes. And after that, his health was declining very fast. End of 2015, I remember I bought a cane for him, and reasoned him off using wheelchair just yet. By February, he was already using U-walker and around March/April he had bound to wheelchair. He was uncomfortable and embarrassed to be on them. I still the last time we went to Miyagi together for our Japanese fix, he wasn't comfortable at all. By end of April, he no longer left his bed. 

I was lucky my boss is very understanding, as he let me off to work from home, to leave early or come in late. Tapi kerja tetap kerja, I have go out of towns, there were times he called to ask me to come home that second, but I can't as I was in another state. I got mad at him, for not being mad me because I can't go home there and then. But actually, I was angrier at myself as I was unable to let go of my job and be there for him. I hate myself to be in that position, I love my dad but at the same time I have responsibilities too. It was very hard and I don't blame him for it, not even for a second. 

The last time he was in the hospital, we had to sent him to emergency because he was not responding to us. Doctor asked Mama to signed a form to confirm her understanding that they won't do any resuscitation if his body decided to give up. We know at that very moment, he will be leaving us anytime. I texted Mr B saying I won't be in for the whole week, he was very understanding. And, the hospital was our second home. He did woke up after the "emergency room" moment. He was himself for the next few days, siap speaking London tau! We were happy, and scared at the same time. 

Tahu tak perasaan di mana bila orang yang kita sayang meraung kesakitan and we can't do anything to help him? Even the painkiller failed to ease his pain. It was heartbreaking to decide  to sedate him but it was unbearable to see him in pain. We celebrated Ramadhan in the hospital, his last Ramadhan. He passed away peacefully on the first Friday of Ramadhan, without us around except for Mama and my SIL. 

Sedih, although we were prepared. Tapi letting go someone you love for your whole life wasn't easy. Sedih, but it was the best for him. As much as I wanted him to still be around, I can't let him suffer for another day. He is gone, but in a better place. 

I love you Pa, with all my life. You were and still the best father, a daughter could ever have. And there wasn't a day passed by that I have not think of you, as you were the one who helped me to be who I am today (Obviously the best side of me, because the bads are from my own doings). I miss you and Kak Ida so much. 

Al-Fatihah

kembali?

I think I need to start blogging again. Kadang-kadang terlampau sesak sampai semput (tak adalah semput yang betul semput). Being in my position is not easy. Terkadang nak terjun dari tingkat 4 biar tergantung orang nampak. (Nauzzublah, but yep it was that hard). 

Seorang Puan

Lucky I'm in love with my bestfriend <3 nbsp="">

Kira turun

Makanya, bila kau berbuat baik, atau cuba bersikap baik dengan orang, tak semestinya they will return the same gesture to you. Buktinya? Bila kau ada satu hubungan dengan bos, yang mana saling tidak menipu antara satu sama lain, kebenaran tentang orang mengata atau bawa mulut di belakang surely akan terbongkar. That's what happened to me, bila bos tetiba je bengang cakap kau bitching behind his back, kau bersabar. Tunggu sampai dia balik sini (or the next time you see him/her), confront. He asked why I didn't call him to ask? Satu, we both were hurt, so we might say something we both regret (atau aku kena buang kerja). Keduanya, I'm a true believer of settling things face to face. Result? Better than you expected, the truth and much more. Trust and the unspoken bond of respect as well. Oh, juga remark dari boss yang kau ni jenis jujur sampai kekadang rasa rude macam nak kena pecat. But hey, the rudest people is the honest man. Buat apa nak tanam tebu kat bibir pastu tambah caramel atas coffee but you are not being honest?


Encik tunang pernah cakap, orang sales ni semua mulut manis pandai putar belit and manipulate. I beg to differ sayang. I am a salesman yang tak pandai manis2, siap warn client bagitau how they have wronged us previously, to make sure they won't manipulate us anymore. Aku rasa, as long as kau tau prinsip kau, jadi jurujual tak perlu manis2 pun, yang penting integrity.


Dulu-dulu masa merancang majlis abang, masa tu community bride-to-be masih, hijau. Masa tu memang beranganlah nak blog untuk persiapan kahwin, etc. Ah kau, blog yg sedia ada pun berhabuk, lagi nak berangan. Anyway, few things makes me give up on the idea. Satu, me and fiance, kinda on a fast track. We've known each other for quite sometimes, heck, we've been good friends for couple of years. Next thing we know, we came back from a vacation and everything is on fast speed. We dated, planned, met the parents, risik, tunang, and less than year, getting married (tengok kalendar, mencungap). Mengenangkan my current position yang tidak membenarkan aku meluangkan masa pada persiapan, dan juga to make my parents happy, since this is the last wedding for the family, biarlah depa yang run the show. Lagipun, masa tunang dah cukup drama, so for me to be happy is to let them be happy. Jadi, takde apa pun lah nak cerita dalam blog sangat.

Nak cerita pasal tunang? Er, you can see him in my instagram/facebook feeds as we've been friends for years, close friends. I am excited and of course in love with him, but I keep it between us, sebab aku memang tak rajin pun upload gambar bagai ni. And seriously, satu kepuasan juga, bila few days ago, I put our picture together as profile pic, ada satu comment ni made me happy, and glad I made that decision. Katanya, tak pernah tengok gambar berdua, sekali letak memang sweet. See, the little things that you make, sebenarnya ada impact. Tidak lah kata, kalau selalu letak orang bosan ke apa, but hey, everyone has their own definition of happiness and to what extend they want to share it with others (dengan harapan juga sebab less than a month nak kawen, supaya tiada yg mengacau tunang :p).

Oklah, macam panjang sangat rant. Toodles :)

Encik Farizzamzam, looking forward to finish this countdown :*

Demotivated

Tak tahulah kenapa makin hari jadi demotivated pulak nak kerja. I can sense that I am not as productive as I was before. Tapi rasanya selalu je menyiapkan kerja atau menjawab semua pertanyaan. Hurm.

As my role is more to result (money) oriented position, bila orang lain tiada kerja, kau yang bertanggungjawab. Tak senang. You will be under microscope all the time. Buat kerja gila-gila pun takda la pulak nampak bawak kanta pembesar. Hurm.

Or mungkin sebab apa yang jadi sejak kebelakangan ni buat aku rasa tak seronok kerja? Dengan colleagues yang banyak support dah nak berhenti, aku pun rasa makin tak seronok kerja.

I don't like being unproductive, sebab it will be seen by other people and, aku rasa tak puas hati. Tapi tu lah, soal hati ni pun payah gak nak paksa, kalau dah demotivated, cenggitu je la gayanya. Urgh!

Sepatutnya lagi nak kahwin, lagi lah bekerja keras nak cari duit nak kahwin. Tapi? Haih la. Kadang-kadang rasa penat sangat, sebab weekend pun dah bukan masa kau sendiri, banyak je benda yang kena buat. Nampak sangat aku punya time management ke laut. T_T



You, I am lucky to have someone who understands me and willing to listen to my whining, bebel, sedih dan semua-semualah. Yes. I am lucky to have you. Stay with me forever, please?


45daystogo.

Sesekali

Bila ada time, mula lah datang malas. Kerja semua urgent, satu pun tak jalan.
Bila ada time, mula lah teringin nak makan macam-maca. Tak sedar kena kurangkan berat (bukan setakat untuk mencantikkan diri, juga untuk kesihatan sebab doktor dah bising)
Bila ada time, mula lah merapu.

Dan sekarang, selalu sangat nak berjiwang kat Twitter and blog. But yeah, I'm too happy.

Dulu masa takda sesiapa happy juga, ada kawan-kawan yang baik, setia. Yang paling penting ada family, yang love you unconditionally, and supporting you no matter what.


Tapi sekarang rasa lagi happy, lagi lengkap. Terutamanya bila tengok tunang dan family ngam, mama seronok bakal menantu datang makan, papa suka tegur dan abang boleh bercakap.

I am blessed.

And you, thank you.


Toodles :)

#nowlistening - Photograph (Ed Sheeran)

143

I love you, maksudnya.

Juga, to forever.

You saved me, and you love me. And I can never than you enough.

Darjah Satu Dah

Blog turned 7, so Happy Birthday! Belated, but it's never late :D

Kalau budak betul dah masuk sekolah darjah satu dah.


Banyak yang jadi for the past 7 years. Suka, duka, naik, tergolek semua ada. Alhamdulillah, I'm at my best moment now. You should be a happier blog now :) You're my longest relationship ever, but someone is going to fight you :P

Pengalaman masa darjah satu, masuk sekolah cikgu marah sebab pakai kaler pensel member, because mama bought our own while others bought a pack (like school-starter pack) from the school. Tak ingat dah cap apa my color pencil but I do remember it has clowns on the packaging, while others are Luna. I don't like mine sebab kaler dia cair, so dok pakai la yang member punya, sebab Luna kaler terang and pekat, was so jealous. Pastu kena marah ngan cikgu, sobs! Ala cikgu pun, member kasi je pinjam, cikgu pulak perli sapa suruh tak beli yang ni. Kecik hati saya. Sudahnya, balik mengadu ngan mama, but unlike kids nowadays, of course la kena marah balik, takde maknanya mama nak beli baru. Haha! Itulah pengalaman masuk kelas 1 Hijau, SRK Zainab 1.

Baaanyaaakkkkkk nak tulis, tapi guess I have someone better to share, so I tend to share it with him rather than here, unlike I used to before. Semoga perasaan dan ikatan ni berkekalan, insyaAllah.




Banyak lagi benda nak buat ni, kerja berlambak. Kadang-kadang rasa nak menangis je, tapi alhamdulillah, niat yang baik dan faith, everything can be endured, aite?


So, toodles for now :)

Twenty Fifteen: The Beginning

New Year
New Hope
New Love
New Life


Dah lama tak update blog. Rindu tetiba. Dah siap masuk tahun baru dah.

Alhamdulillah, for this new year, I can't thank Allah enough, been giving my highest gratitude but it still won't be enough.

I have more adorable anak buah, loving family, faithful friends, found the love of my life, climbing up the career stairs, And it is just the beginning of the year. I'm at my happiest moment, for now.

Looking forward to more things, good things. A wedding to attend :)



Love,
Stay with me forever, will you?

Sesat

Makin lama makin terasa berbaloi.
I mean berbaloi yg dia sesat selama ni.


Or, dia tak sesat.
Cume berhati-hati.

On time?

Mungkin, dah sampai masanya.

Mungkin, masanya dah tepat.

Semoga termakbul segala permintaan. Semoga dipermudahkan.

Semoga ada cahaya. :")

Kepenatan

Duduk sendirian menghadap laut.
Bila tiada manusia  berkeliaran..
Dan kau cuma mahu berhenti.

Berhenti jadi kuat.
Berhenti mencuba jadi kuat.
Berhenti berlakon menjadi kuat.

Kesedaran

There will be a time, yang kau akan lelah.
Kau tau you will always fight for him.
Stand by him through thick and thin.
Through the joy and pain.
Kebanyakan ketika sama-sama susah.

Dan lelah tu datang bila kau sentiasa sedar;
He will never fight for you.
Yes, he will always be there but,
he will never fight for you.
He's ready to let you go when the time comes.



Tapi tu lah, realization yg dah lama kau realized.

On The Way Down

I saw you,
And you save me from myself

Frozen

So, I am sitting here in Sushi King, having my comfort food.

Well, I always have the tendency to eat(more to always actually) whenever I am depressed or after a bad conversation etc. (Hence to why I am getting fatter).

I am trying my hardest to please everybody. Parents, family, lilD, friends, employer, well, just everybody. Here we come to the point where I am just tired.

Cerita pasal lilD, we had arguments, during raya. Eh, Selamat Hari Raya by the way!

Ok, we had arguments, so since that I am trying my hardest not to be offended, to care, to feel, well, to be heartless in short. Kan, selalu ada masalah where I feel he thinks that I should be a robot without a heart so that I would stop getting hurt for stupid little things. So, that happened.

Sudahnya, he said I am being cold towards him. I don't think anything change, I am happy head over heels whenever I got to meet him. Just, I can't afford to feel anything, anymore to stop getting hurt.

I am trying to please him, to be heartless, so that we won't go to the same road of him accusing me to be upset for everything, when I am a human who has feelings.

So there you go, I guess heartless makes you cold.

#ramadan (bulan biru)

Dah sebelas hari dah puasa. Maka, selamat berpuasa.

So, puasa tahun ni?
Macam biasa, minggu pertama mostly memang kat rumah je la melepet. Dah masuk second week ni berderet pula plan berbuka puasa ngan kawan2. Well, bila lagi nak jumpa kawan kan?
Tapi bersabar je la dengan duit mengalir macam air. Baru 2 minggu dapat gaji dah nak jatuh miskin dah T_T


Terasa lepas raya nak cari keje part time. Nak cari duit lebih, nak kumpul duit banyak dalam masa singkat. Hmm sedih betul bila terpaksa jadi hamba duit ni. Tapi nak buat cemana, banyak benda nak kena setelkan. Lagi lama lagi banyak nak kena bayar. Tu pun belum masuk mama da bunyi2 tanya taknak tuka kete ke oh dengan bila nak repair Kelisa -__-

Yelah, tau sendiri pakai pandai2 la repair. Bukan taknak, tapi ni gigih la ni kumpul duit nak repair kete. Banyak plan ngan duit yang simpan tu. Nak cat balik Kelisa, bayar hutang ngn lilD, setelkan credit card, belikan Rezza laptop. Semua nak. Tu tahan je nafsu bila terasa nak beli pape. Tak baik bazir, banyak lagi benda nak pakai duit. Hajatnya by umur 30, nak debt-free. Tapi macam tak kesampaian je? T_T

Tu bab financial. Bab hati? Entah lah. Haritu berasa hati lagi ngan LilD, which one of the reason kenapa aku terana nak cari part time job juga. Pedih kot bila dia ungkit pasal duit, pasal dia bukan kaya nak split everything (ye, ada juga benda lain dia cakap, dedua terasa, tapi yg ni senang sikit nak sembang). Terasa macam, dah 6 tahun you still think that I want your money? Haih. Makanya apa yg berhutang dengan dia hendaklah cepat dilangsaikan. Senang kot sentap benda2 camni.

Anyway, nak kembali fit. Awal2 sebelum puasa and minggu first puasa aritu da rajin jog, ni dah seminggu tak jog. Seram tengok badan sendiri. Lagi seram masa kat Melbourne haritu, ada tengok a TV programme called Embarrassing Fat Bodies. I don't wanna end up like that. Tu yang gigih gi jog. Gym dah bayar, tapi tak jejak lagi kaki ke sana. I really need a gym buddy camni, sebab segan nak pegi. Dulu kat FF ok je. Haih.

Oklah, dah abes ofis hour, and nak ke Solaris untuk iftar dengan ex-Patimas. Dari dulu lagi panggil iftar, tapi sejak ramai org dok kata yg sebut iftar ni poyo, terus elak. Padahal panggil dulu sebelum ramai org pakai, sekarang geng2 errr suka sebut arab2 punya perkataan ni. Takpelah, loh ko sek mu lah.

Toodles

Jawapan yang tak pernah ada

Dalam sebulan ni dah dua kali terasa.

Kadang2 bila good things (takdelah good sangat, maksud aku hubungan tiada pergolakan) go on for  a long period of time, ada je perasaan yang nak tolong kacau.

Tapi tu lah, I am merely a human aku bagitau kat lilD. Sekuat mana aku usaha untuk be happy for him, aku tak boleh tipu yang aku pun ada perasaan juga, jadi masih boleh berkecil hati walaupun aku faham. Maka, tidak adil lah untuk tuduh aku tidak faham dan tamak. Itu sedih tahu tak?

Makanya dia akan selalu berbalik kepada, "remember the reason I wanted to end this last year?"

Sebenarnya bukan last year sahaja. Years before juga, almost every year. Sometimes it makes me wonder, if he wanted to get rid of me, he does not need to care about my feelings. He can leave, walk away as he pleases. Sebab dia tak rugi apa2, I am.

Hm. Sebenarnya aku dah tatau nak luah kat mana. Dulu selalu gak merapu kat twitter, tapi sekarang since he's on twitter as well, dia boleh tengok benda yg aku elak bagitau dia, elak utk bergaduh. So, rasanya lepas ni memang mengomel kat sini je lah kot? Sebab rasanya dia dah tak baca blog ni, for years.

Sebab hari tu lepas cuba untuk memahami keadaan dia, dah tentu aku kecik hati tapi taknak gitau dia sebab nanti gado. Dok membebel2 kat twitter tetiba dapat message kena marah.
Kesimpulannya pada dia, aku tak pernah rasa cukup with what I have. Aku tak pernah hargai his effort untuk puaskan hati semua orang. Ouch!

It hurts man! It hurts.

So, kesian bakal suami, kalau ada, sebab aku tak pernah rasa cukup. Well, my effort to understand people is never enough I guess. Aku tak pandai menghargai. Mungkin sebab tu Tuhan tak ketemukan jodoh aku. Sebab aku takkan mampu jadi seorang teman yang sempurna.

Hm.

Mengadu kat Ija, sambil gelak2 air mata pun ikot galak turun. Dia cakap, sampai bila aku nak tunggu?
Pemerhatian dia, masa aku sakit dia taktau pun lilD datang melawat aku, because he was busy (funny the fact that I always sick whenever he's busy/away).
Dia tanya, tak terasa ke Khairi sibuk call/message tanya nak teman gi klinik and Fariz siap datang bawak stok makanan (dan setengah dozen 100plus)? Sedangkan tu kawan. (Tapi lilD and I were never an item pun, kan ktorang ni undefined -_-)
Well, ouch!

Ok, dah panjang sangat. Nanti bosan. Aku kan suka bosankan orang. Haih